Learning how to be a temperate mother.
“If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridal his tongue, but deceives his heart, his religion is vain.” -Saint James 1:26
Vulnerability is a virtue in the culture at large; not to mention the Catholic one. Women have a tendency to share too much of their interpersonal life, and we love to share at our small groups and bible studies. We call this venting and sharing our hearts. We share the annoying things our husbands do, the sins of our children and the things that annoy us most about motherhood.
In this article I’m not claiming to know all the exact formulas for what to say, when to say it, and whom to say it to. I do however offer antidotes for hurtful habits we woman have perpetuated to one another. I discuss what oversharing is, the consequences, why woman overshare, how to know when we are oversharing, and how to prevent and overcome it.
Temperance of the tongue is a virtue we should all be striving for. I’m among those flawed creatures who struggle with gossip and sharing too much about family. I’m keenly aware of my faults, that have made me more aware of the impact it can have. I hope I can improve. I want to share the things I’ve learned with you my lovely reader.
Learning how to be a temperate mother: What is oversharing?
Oversharing is saying things that could potentially divide hurt or embarrass yourself or someone else. It can be described as a lack of temperance; and can lead to mistrust.
If there aren’t pure conversations with intentionality in a small group, the devil steers the conversation. Keep the conversation centered on Jesus and avoid church bashing (it’s a thing!) husband bashing, detailed children’s stories and gossip of any kind. Ask yourself, would the person I’m sharing about be okay with me telling others? Father Mike Schmitz says this, “Whenever you’re about to share something about someone else you need to ask yourself, is this really going to help solve their problem?“
Learning how to be a temperate mother: What are the consequences of oversharing?
Hanging out with other woman at baby showers, church groups or a lady’s nights is a blast. At times I walk away feeling full of myrth. Sometimes, I leave feeling regretful for the exchanges between us friends, sharing too much. Friends air their dirty laundry. and I air mine. We discuss deeply intimate issues, “my child did this embarrassing thing,” or “my husband, was a total Jerk to me because…”
- Invasion of Privacy: I truly do not need to know what someone’s husbands annoying habits are, nor do I need to share something that would embarrass mine.
- Leads to mistrust and hurts family members: Why would our family come to us with their hearts, when we dice up those precious hearts and share the bits among friends? When I’ve have shared far too much about my family life, I feel gross.
- Kids are within earshot: Sometimes kids are within earshot of the conversation. If women talk unchecked, it isn’t hard for children to come away feeling bombarded with private information about family friends. My children do not that. Whenever my children overhear gossip, it usually translates back to me later on. It’s usually distorted, but mostly, they pick up on the msg. I find myself saying, “No honey I didn’t say that. “and they replay ” Ya mom, you said that person, shouldn’t be teaching CCD.” Even If I didn’t say that specifically, my kids are smart, and they get the heart of the issue, and It sticks.
- Motherhood Looks bad: Complaining about motherhood in front of our children, whether directly or indirectly, makes motherhood seem like a terrible thing. It doesn’t take much to add too much salt to a child’s imagination. Mothers, we should always be careful not to distort our children’s view of motherhood. Complaining will most certainly do this. Imagine your mom always complaining about her athletic gym. Would you follow her example to join that gym?
- Misinterpretation of closeness: With one-on-one conversations; I have misinterpreted close friend relationships, only to find the gals had a dozen other “close” friends to share their hearts with just as thoroughly. Such times have left me wondering how close we really were.
- Subjects’ others to unwanted personal details, and the temptation to sin.
Learning how to be a temperate mother: Why do We Overshare with Friends?
- Connection: Women love to connect with one another. We want to form intimate relationships and know that others empathize with us. We search for meaning and answers to the things we are struggling with. It’s easy to go from a lovely baseline about life and basic struggles, to then spilling our dirty laundry. For the most part, we don’t intend to disparage but it can quicky go that way. All woman especially Catholic woman should guard against this.
- Because our friends are doing it. If one person opens the door to intimate conversation, others feel trust to also confide secrets.
- To process or vent: When we are going through something difficult, we need people to guide us through this, and unfortunately, sometimes our difficulties are shared with too many people, or the wrong people. And sometimes, we end up just complaining. Which by the way we often aren’t willing to recognize that there is a solution to the problem.
How to Know when We are Oversharing with Friends
So how do Catholic Woman know when we are sharing too much?
- When the Holy Spirit says, Stop!
- When we feel anger resentment or despair: I know when I am in a bad place. Resentment and anger lead me to complain and share stories that I shouldn’t be sharing.
- When I feel yucky after spending time with friends: If I feel this way, I examine what the conversation was and ask myself what I may have overshared. Sometimes I feel off, if a friend overshared. I feel like I accessed part of their life I wasn’t meant too.
- Greed for gossip: I’m usually aware whenever my greed for gossip arises. The problem is, I rationalize it. If I find myself rationalizing, the gossip, it almost certainly is the sinful kind.
- What my children say: Whenever I have one of those funhouse mirror moments (my kids repeat back to me what I’ve said or what they think I’ve said) I know I’ve said too much and haven’t been careful.
What can we do to prevent oversharing?
Father Mike Schmitz gave some awesome advice in his Ascension Presents Series.
Paraphrasing from Socrates, Father Mike states
We need to ask ourselves, ‘is this thing I’m going to tell is true, is it good, is it useful?’ Thats the test of three.”
If your processing, you need to ask yourself this, ‘Am I talking to the right people who can actually help me, about the right thing to accomplish the right end?’ Just because I get to process, just because I do need advice, does not mean that I don’t need charity in what I share and what I don’t share.
Whenever you’re about to share something about someone else you need to ask yourself, is this really going to help solve their problem?
Learning how to be a temperate mother: How to overcome oversharing
Repentance and reconciliation are key to tackle this sin. God is so good He doesn’t deny such requests. Remember, the gift of your vulnerable heart is not a commodity, and it most certainty is not a free one. You are a gift from God and a deeply intricate creature, and your soul mind and body should keep like a precious stone. Catholic women understand the importance of concealing the most beautiful parts of the body. Just like modesty in dress, woman should keep a modesty of the heart.
- Go to confession
- Father Mike Schmitz recommends making Psalm 141 verse 3 your daily prayer, ” Set a guard, oh Lord, before my mouth, a gatekeeper at my lips”
- Pray for temperance and Prudence
- When in a group setting, set parameters for yourself, and if possible, request that they be set with your group.
- Set a standard of positivity by brining positivity and joy to the conversation.
- Examine your conversation. I examine what the conversation was and ask myself what I may have overshared. There was a point in my life where because of past “small t” traumas, I would examine myself then beat myself up. I’ve since learned to give those negative interaction straight to Jesus. If I don’t give my failings to Jesus, my scruples can drag me into a dark place, a place that I actively fight against.
What Women can Learn from Men about Temperance.
My husband is very good at knowing how much to share about our family and when to share it. “I don’t think men should be sitting around complaining about their wives.”
He is right, and if I knew he did this I would feel betrayed. Yet, how many times have I complained about him to other women? It’s wrong to expect one thing and then do another. God forgive me!
When we are annoyed with our husbands we should go to him with the issue, and if we need to go to a close friend or a priest, awesome, we should be doing that with a sincere and loving presence.
Thank you for reading “Learning how to be a temperate mother” I hope it was helpful for you!
I’d love to know what your experiences with oversharing has been, comment below!
